Comparing the PAST and the PRESENT.

On Saturday night, as i was packing my room, my stuff, i came across the box which contains all the farewell cards and gifts from my classmates and teachers before graduating from AMKSS.
I read through all the letters that my friends had written to me. Not being bhb, but i really feel that back then, i was really a good friend at least that was what they thought of me. They described me as the best listener, most meticulous, very sweet and thoughtful, strong and etc. Alright, of course i'm glad to receive all these compliments. At least i know my effort for being a good friend for these 4 years have not gone to waste and my friends appreciated the things that i've done for them. That's good. Yup, i know.

However, i feel that as for now, i'm not exactly what they've described above. Cause not many will confide in me now and i'm not meticulous anymore. I'm always losing focus in things. Not only in my studies but in stuff that i used to enjoy doing. I can't concentrate well which leads to me making lots of stupid mistakes in my work. For instance, just one admin work for WRCD and i could make quite a few mistakes. I'm disappointed in myself, in those mistakes made. It shouldn't be like that. I don't know what's wrong with me. Making all sort of dump, stupid mistakes which i can't forgive myself. Recalling the fact that i used to tell my juniors to take note of all sort of minor stuffs and yet now, i'm the one who made these mistakes. I feel that i'm not fit to tell them off and give them any advice now cause i'm not setting a good example so i shall keep quiet until i feel that i'm fit to.

On a brighter note, it's still nice to take those letters out to read after keeping them for like 2-3 years. To remind you of what kind of person/friend you were in your secondary days. How much you've achieved/acomplished. What image did you portray in front of your friends and teachers. Actually i almost forget the little things that i've done in my secondary school days such as providing my classmates with sweets every week so that they won't sleep in class or at least for that short momeent? not sure how often i did but yup, i did that and some of them remember me for that. And also the small gesture like waiting for QH to wear her skirt while others already went off without waiting, before going to the toilet to change out from that stinky PE shirt. And running 2.4km with Meixin, motivating her, cause she failed her 2.4km run for a few times. All those small gestures actually did make an impact to some of them. Seriously, i really kind of forgotten that i've actually did all these until i read those cards and letters.

I wished i could do all that again. Being sincere and encouraging. Being meticulous and focus. Giving all that i could without any complaints but doing them willingly.
I feel that i'm not a good person now, probably not as good as before cause i feel that i'm taking in more than i'm giving out. When my friend treats me better, i will feel that i don't deserve it. Perhaps i would deserve it more in the past.

i know we'll need to move on. Stop thinking and comparing the past and the present. Things definitely gonna be different. Things change, people change. But you won't know how many times i told myself that just that i can't force myself to do that. I know that i can't keep hanging on there cause one day i'll find myself being isolated as everyone has already move on to their new life. Perhaps i should find a new thing to do? Get a whole new life? But if i do that just because i want to fit in then i won't be following what my heart says, what i exactly want to do and i'll feel damn upset at the end of the day. Not that i'm very happy and satisfied with my current life. There's many unplesant things too. But should i change cause people want me to? Furthermore, it's not easy too.

Give me more time. I believe one fine day, i'll learn how to leave everything that i'm holding now behind and move on.