Acceptance

I’ve always thought that my ever going motivation would be RCY but recently I felt so empty. It feels like it doesn’t mean that much to me anymore. Is it because our mindset has changed over time? But I’ve always thought that, that drive/passion for RCY will not ever change. Maybe is the people? Or perhaps because either it’s taking up quite a fair bit of my time that I might unknowingly neglect some people whom I care for and I don’t really like it this way or recently I’m not actively involved in it? That’s why I don’t feel much for it? I’m not a super woman. I can’t be everywhere everytime for everybody, although I really wish that I could. Cause I want to be there for the people who need me or perhaps they don’t need me anymore. As we advance in life, decisions are getting tougher and tougher. I’m always stuck in a dilemma; don’t really know if I’ve made the correct decisions.
Giving up is not what I want to do but hanging on is super tough. Thinking through all the consequences that I would face makes it even harder for me to decide.
Sometimes, giving up/accepting failure is not the worst. It shows that you’ve the courage to do it. And it might be better for some of us.
Maybe I’ve been using it to escape from some things that I don’t feel like facing at this point of time cause I assume how things would turn out to be. Assumption is bad. Although we know it but we still do it. It’s the same for escaping from things. I think I do that quite often. I really hate myself for doing that but I just don’t have the courage to face certain things that is why I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied with all the work to numb myself. Only when I’m busy, I won’t have a chance to stop and think about what I’ve been avoiding. I like to be busy so that I know I’ve been spending my time efficiently and not wasting it away.
Don’t dare to tell anyone what I really feel/think; maybe because I’m afraid I can’t live up to what they want me to be. I do have high expectations of myself too but I just can’t reach that target. Yes, nothing is impossible, as long as I try hard enough but aren’t I trying hard enough? I can’t help but always lose my focus so easily until I can’t do well for everything. I’ve lost that power to do everything. That’s really sad.
Sometimes, I would question myself: Is this what you really want? Is this the life that you really want to lead? Why don’t you just let it be and walk away so that you might be happier? Holding on might not be the best solution. You might feel worse after doing so. Am I living for myself or other people? Why must I take everything others said to heart? Why must I care how people look at me or think of me? Why must I try to please everyone? Is this worth it? Is all these because of my low self esteem? Why I always cry so easily? Even for those who are not worth it.
And the list goes on….all the WHYS.
Today, I was amazed on how I managed to control my anger and disappointment. I was really on the verge on shooting out vulgarities but I didn’t and I was shocked that I could reply a sms so calmly. Probably because I’m already immune to this feeling and I don’t really care anymore?

The tears in my heart that gone unnoticed. The silent cry.