When the decision gets tougher...

I dont really like camps for some reasons but through camps, i feel the togetherness, bondings and etc.
After UIP...
ULP...
what's next? VIP?
I really don't feel that i'm prepared for that. And I don't know if i could last until then.
As in... yes, every now and then i did thought of giving up/leaving so that i could focus more on other things such as my friends, family and of course, my studies. Especially when noadays i see people questioning themselves on facebook and etc whether is this what they really want. They are those whom i think are the enthu ones and it caught me by surprise seeing these phrases/questions coming from them. I don't expect these from them but yup it really did affect me.
So why are we stuck in this dilemma?
Some of you might think that it's easy to make a choice right? cause ultimately the decision lies with you. Nobody can stop you but there are many factors to consider.

One of the most important factor is that i promised my UIP mentee that i will wait for them to become VIs cause i want to see the whole process of them growing up to become better leaders and stay by their side throughout this journey, helping them along. I don't wish to break my promise but sometimes you'll just feel so tired from everything -politics. Perhaps, it's really not a place for me to stay (at least not for now).
But another question is....how do i actually leave?
Leave all my responisibilities, duties, commitments and etc just there?

It's not about passion and commitment anymore.

Sometimes, i do wonder why. How come i'm closer to my mentees be it from UIP or ULP than to my cadets? Have i not tried hard enough? I actually went to do some research, to find out more from other cadets why is this happening. To hear from different age groups. But nothing actually worked out. We are still so distant from each other. You know, i really treasure all these relationships. They mean a lot to me. It's as important as my own life.

It's really ironic. Cause it's like i only know my mentees for days or months but i know my cadets for years already but there is still this gap to be filled up between us.

I really feel damn guilty. I have no time for you all. Have not been there since you all took over. Hope you all will understand and not think otherwise. Or probably i'm the one who think too much. Maybe it doesn't even matter to you. It's the same with or without me around. Nothing change. Perhaps this could be one reason for me to leave at this juncture too??

Why am i still so tired after sleeping for so many hours? Am i trying to escape from things? That's why i keep going to sleep to shut off from everything?
This is really not the life that i want. I want it to be more meaningful and productive. I have no time to waste but what i've seen from myself is that i'm actually wasting my precious time.
I have to really do something to my life.
Actually, i don't know what i'm typing already. Felt like sleeping again. I just feel like a pig. A STUPID PIG!

Don't cling on to the past. They are just memories to be kept. Trust me, time will heal everything, depending on how long it will take. Don't doubt me. I'm speaking from experience. I believe we can all do it. Jiayou! :)