It was once my love, my life.

I'm supposed to be in bed but i'm not. Probably i'm forcing myself to stay awake althought i know i need to sleep to conquer the projects tmr (later).

Still pondering over the same issue.

Wondering if i would lose my purpose of life if i were to leave cause no matter how bad a situation i am in now, it was my dream to be a VI to begin with. I all along wanted to be one, aspired to be one when i was a cadet. Although it took me one year later than the rest to achieve this goal but thruthfully speaking, i didn't regret it. It's good to take that one year to try out as a senior with lesser authority as compared to a VI, with cadets not so afraid of me, seeing things from a different perspective and not restricted to the things that i do.

If i were to leave now, i would question myself why i give up so easily? Isn't being a VI what you wanted all along? You've endured through all the tough times just to realise your dreams and now you're giving up just like that? What about the no regrets? Will you regret upon making this decision? Why people like Alvin sir can stay for so long but i can't?

I have put so much effort in it and spent so much time here. What will it be like after i've decided to quit? What will i be doing? It's like losing a goal/purpose in life. I think i will be so lost, not knowing how to continue with my life. To find back all that i've lose along the way? It's going to be very tough. Since the day i've chose to place all my attention to RCY and not caring about the rest, I've neglected a lot of things and people and i won't know how to get back on track, to retrieve everything that i've lose.
All i can say to them is sorry but you know i mean more than that.
Although i've neglected you but i hope you know that deep down in my heart, i still care despite being nonchalant.
I don't yearn for your fullest support but only for you to be more understanding.

This year is really a tough year for me with huge decisions to be made such as the next step i am going to take, which path i will be heading to, trying to balance and cope with everything and many many more. I feel that i'm so pathetic, I'm such a failure. I do expect better performance from myself. I hope i will be strong and survive through this year.

I have to, I must!