SAME KIND.

I went to the optician yesterday after like one and a half year or two.
Actually, i don't really like to discuss about this topic here. To be exact, I don't have the courage.
If i'm not wrong, I've never blog about this before cause it's quite sensitive, for me.

It's regarding about my eye. The optician has the same/similar case as me.
I was born like this whereas he lose his vision of his left eye when he was one year old due to an incident.

Finally, I've found someone who knows exactly how i feel.
My inner thoughts.
I couldn't help but to shed tears whenever he mentioned some words. It's so true.
True enough, it's because of my eye/appearance that causes me to lose confidence when i meet new people especially kids. They would give the curious look and go tell their parents about it and more people would turn to look at me.

I don't need the limelight especially this kind.

I love kids but I've to choose to stay away from them so as to protect myself.
Since young, my mum taught me to stare at them if they look at me but i really don't wish to do that. In their eyes, i already look pretty bad and if i were to stare at them, i would scare them off. I don't want to do that.

My cousin would always pray for me but we all know that it doesn't really help physically but well, it would calm me down at least and give me hope. Hope for miracles to happen.
Whenever i feel that life is unfair, why this happen on me.
She will tell me that Jesus loves every single one of us and there's a reason why I'm born this way. Something good will happen to me.
Maybe Jesus wants me to be different from others? To feel what others can't feel? To experience what normal people won't get to experience?

However, no matter how good all these sound, you'll still feel inferior, have low self-esteem and do not have confidence and the courage to face reality.
I know that i couldn't blame anyone such as my parents for this. Of course they don't want their daughter to suffer and be indifferent but what can they do? They can feel the pain too as much as i do. I'm really sorry that sometimes i would throw tantrum and blame you for this but i hope you know that i don't really meant what i say. I know you meant well too but sometimes some things should be left unsaid so that it won't hurt me even more.

I always thought that crying is just a way to express your emotion but recently, I do feel that it shows that you're weak. And of course I don't want people to think that I'm weak. I hate myself for shedding tears/crying (like a water tap). It's so embarrassing! The optician apologized upon seeing me cry but it's really not his fault. He went for a surgery last year to make his left eye to look like normal, almost exactly the same as his right one so that people can't really tell unless they take a closer look. He told my dad that he could recommend us the doctor if we want to go for the surgery.
Actually i was thinking, does it really matter? Is it worth it to spend a few thousand for it? How to say.... It's like I've already been living the past 19 years like that so what's the point? To look better in the next few don't know how many years? He said that it would also help to boost your confidence by a lot especially for girls. He is speaking through his own experience. Although it would be nice to look better and have more confidence but i really really don't wish to spend my parents' money anymore. They already spent a lot on me. On my various expensive spectacles over the years since I was in Pri 2 till now and now I would need to purchase a super duper expensive one to try to maintain my degree, to stop it from rising cause it would be very dangerous for me if it continues to rise as i only have one eye. I might end up being blind if i don't take good care of it. They also spent money on my root canal treatment that I had recently. All the expenses would drive them crazy. And i already felt damn bad about my Poly School fees too. It's okay if i excel in my studies but i didn't. What a disappointment.

All in all, I'm thankful that i managed to meet my optician to know that I'm not alone. Some others out there are also experiencing the same thing as me or might be even worse. I should also thank Jesus for giving me options, chances or alternatives though I might not accept it in the end.

It was only yesterday that I've learnt about the fact that actually when I was born, my left eye still have around 60% of vision but after the operation, it became nothing. But if without the operation, my eye would be jutting out. I would look scarier. So since the choice has been made, I should continue to live my life as it is or better still, live my life to the fullest. Do the extraordinary. Don't allow people to pity you. Keep proving to people that you can do exactly what they can do or do even better than them. Though it would be very tough, tougher than the ordinary but you've to keep the faith and believe in yourself. Hang on!

Well, enough said. Time to let my eyes rest.

Why must you be so weak? Cried throughout while typing this post. Can you be stronger? At least act like one? Hold back your tears!